A moment to reflect

Recently I had the opportunity to show my respect and support the family of a fallen Marine during a dignified transfer in Port San Antonio.

I remember it like it was yesterday.

I have been in the United States Air Force for 4 years and I have never deployed. My participation in lining the streets and saluting the fallen Marine is the closest I have ever been to anything war-related.

The experience brought the reality of war home and I didn't like it.

I had so many thoughts happening at once.
As I watched the patriot riders drive by I immediately regretted selling my motorcycle and decided I would like to be a patriot rider one day.

I froze as the car carrying the Marine who made the ultimate sacrifice drove by. I felt sadness and pain tearing at my heart.

Don't cry.. military bearing...

I watched the limos with the family members inside drive by and it really hit me. These are his family members.

Ouch.

His mom and dad are probably in there. They were probably both proud and a little scared when he decided to join the Marines. I wondered if he had siblings and tried to imagine how they felt. Then my thoughts jumped to my sister, my brother, then to my parents. Suddenly I remembered I'm going to deploy one day and God I hope my parents never have to go through this.

My parents were so proud when I joined the Air Force they even bought those proud parent bumper stickers while they visited me for BMT graduation. I never understood why my parents were so proud. All I did was complete basic training. It's not like I completed a deployment or anything. Then I realized I would be proud of my daughter if she volunteered to serve her country.

Oh no, my daughter.

If something happened to me she wouldn't understand that mommy is never coming home.

Oh my... my heart started to hurt even more.

What would she do without a mommy? My daughters social behavior changed while I was TDY for 3 months. She stopped playing with her friends at the child development center and developed a strange new attachment to her jackets. If my 3 month absence affected her that much, what would my death do to her?

What would my husband do? He would have to stay strong for my daughter. He could do that.. Right? He would have my parents and sister to help him with my daughter but what if it hurt him to be around them and reminded of me? Would he keep contact with my family or would he avoid them? Would he remarry? He probably would. The thought of him replacing me and my daughter having a new mommy stung.

All of these thoughts of possibly hurting my family made me think about what I was doing in the military. I had conflicting feelings. I wanted to be a journalist and tell the Airman's story, especially in a deployed setting, but was it really worth the risk?

Is it possible to fit my love for my country and my love for my family into my life?
I think so. At least for now. I re-enlisted in May 2011 and I feel just as sure as I did when I decided to re-enlist, if not more. I am proud to be a member of the United States Air Force and a proud mommy. As long as I can be my best at both I will continue to serve.
It's weird to me that a tragic event could cause so much reflection or even renew my patriotism and military pride.